Dear Diary

08/03/2017

Well, today was eventful. My brother (who happens to be one of my best-friends), told me that he doesn't understand me. I don't know how someone, can be your best friend and NOT understand you. My sister, was my best friend. I don't think she understood me, either. And I wonder, if my mom understood me, EVER. I am A1, when it comes to communication, but for some reason, there is a huge language barrier, between me and EVERYONE around me.

People always tell me, I'm different. How so? I don't mind being different, so long as "different", doesn't cast me out. I mean, can you imagine for a moment, how lonely that is? What if your closest loved ones, DIDN'T UNDERSTAND YOU? Talk about, questioning love. How can you spend, so much time, around someone that you don't understand. I mean, what the hell am I here for, if you don't understand me. 

Ok... I am a very colorful person. I think waaaaay outside the box. I challenge, everything. I seek an understanding, about everything and everyone. And, I speak my mind. I DO NOT, LIKE MY TIME WASTED. I'm trying to figure life out, guys. But, isn't everyone trying to figure life out? 

WHO EFFIN KNOWS... I'll be back, tomorrow. Today, has been suckaaaaaaay. I'm taking this L, and TRYING AGAIN, TOMORROW.  

StressedToTheMax 😩

08/02/2017

I've experienced, a lot. I've made a lot of mistakes. I've loved and lost love. I've hated and envied. I've learned a lot, since I was last here. I've learned, that I am responsible for me. I am my own best friend and I am my own worst enemy. I'm not sure that I believe, in love. But I am sure that I have loved.
I have surely, had my heart broken.

I've come back, with a new appreciation for life. I have a new perspective on people. And I have a new love, for myself. I don't think that people, really understand, just how easy, death is.  We all come here and abuse our right, to the very air, we breathe. We are careless, with our bodies and reckless, with our relationships. We eat, like there is no tomorrow and deny the poor, our extras. We are savages.Why are we savages?

No worries... I stopped looking for that answer, a long time ago. I went, from a woman that was slow to speak, to not giving a flying fuk, who is offended by my tongue. I was hurt, bad. I stopped, believing in my fellow woman. I thought, I hated men, before. Oh man... I know what it is, to hate a man. And yet, I still want to feel, what I feel for people. I want to feel love. Genuine, romantic love, without lies and insecurities.

But, life has taught me, that I can't give my trust to a man. I can think, but don't feel. I can't want, to be caressed or cuddled. I'm beautiful and men want my body, so I should sleep around, often and never fall in love. I can't tell him, how I really feel. I can't be me. See, I thought that I wanted to be married, have four kids and live in Corporate America. With a house and a dog, MLB games and in laws... smh I could have had that. Love, challenged me and I've questioned it, every since.

I spazzed. I question, the very thing that we are all, made of. The precision it takes, to compose us, is the exact definition of love. If you can put 100% of yourself, into something as precisely as creating a human being, you have experienced love.

I desire to love, as precisely as I love. I don't want, to desire love. But, I am love and I want love to find me. It's what scares men away. I was afraid, when a real man approach me. He was stable and responsible, and he was ready to build. And I was scarred. I was broken. Now that I am healed, every man I meet, seems ill. So, I gave up. And then I realized, that I don't give up.

Sooooo, To Be Continued....

08/01/2017

It's been a very long while, since I last posted a blog. I'm going to try to commit myself a little more. It's crazy how life shifts. One moment, you're on top of the world and the next, you're beneath a rock. I've been there. Oh, have I been there.

The last couple of years have taught me a lot. I've had friends and family betray me in the worst ways. I lost some amazing people. My very first best friend ever, passed away from cancer. She was only 30. My dog died. My sister died... My other half, in a way. The devastation has left me lifeless. When you lose someone so close, so important, so vital to your life... It stings. These women pushed me to be my true self. There will never be a friendship like what we had. I miss them.

I lost an amazing guy too. In the midst of trying to master "doing things right", I did everything wrong. The thing is, we all go by some kind of system to guide us when we're pursuing someone. But, who determines when it's right to kiss someone or sleep with them?  Who says that you can't just go with the flow of things? Kiss, if you want to kiss. Say, "I Love You!". Trying to calculate when it's two early to say it, will cause you to say it too late.

Life is so short...Too short. And nothing in this life is promised, except that we will all eventually die. So, why not live? Live in the moment. Eat the double fudge cake. Ride the roller coaster. Go to Mardi-Gras, Tell him, you're crazy about him. Tell her you adore her. Speak your mind. Be unapologetic.

I'll admit that I am ready to live.

SchyeStyle xoxo