Who Am I? (Originally Written 6/16/04)

Trapped inside a skin, I wish not to call my own
Trapped inside a dream, one which is not mine
Tears of blood, from pain drained from my heart
Tormented by my own thoughts, lost in a forest of false hope
Trying to make it through the day, the hour, the minute

Tilted just enought to be out of the way
Twisted just enough to be uncomfortable
Turned just enough to be backside to the truth

So, who am I?

A dancer I was, when nothing worried me
Thoughts were only of big things when I danced, Small wa beneath me
Many personalities adapted over time
Too many to really focus on one enough to determine who I am
Time passed me by swiftly and I can barely catch up
The question constantly in my head, WHO AM I?

............... Still Trynna Find Out

A Scare

When I opened my eyes, things were different
I had only been asleep for an hour, but it felt like forever
The air smelled different
Voices sounded different
People and things looked different

There was a terrible pain in my head
It seems that I had forgotten what pain felt like when I was asleep
There were a lot of bright lights when I woke up
And all I remember thinking was, I'm still alive.
Six weeks prior, I was worried that I might have cancer and now all I have is a headache
I think I can live with a headache

I couldn't stop thinking about the fact that my eyes were opened
I couldn't stop thinking about how I had made it through
I was so scared going in that I was actually writing up my WILL
Well, I wanted to have my affairs in order
I was so paranoid, wow
It just seemed like forever waiting til the day and then here it was

I kissed everyone I loved
I cleaned my house til you could see yourself in the paint on the walls
I was worried, but not fearful
And then a calm came over me
It was unlike any calm I had ever known
My spirit was at peace... Or maybe it was the anesthesia

Maybe it was GOD telling me it was gonna be alright
Maybe I knew that GOD would take care of me the whole time
What I'm sure of, is that when I woke up I was different
My outlook on life had changed
My dreams were bigger and better
I was much more determined

Determined........
Much more so to not let anyone ever again tell me that I couldn't have what I wanted
To not let anyone ever again step on my dream
Determined to smile more, to laugh more
To love more
Determined to take care of and love me more

I was given a testimony, a chance, a glance at a better life

I am 25 and I am TUMOR FREE

Thank GOD for the life he's given me

I'm So Tired Of You

I'm so tired of you
Your judgemental eyes
Your ignit bobble head you always shakin at me
And if you point that finger at me againm, you're gonna pull back a nub

Who do you think you are?
So high and mighty, that you can look down on me?
I know you think low of me

You think because you're married and don't have to work, you're better
You think because you can have just about anythin you want, you're better
You think I'm scum and that I should feel honored to know you

I'm sorry I know you
You have no dreams, no real goals
Your goals consist of whatever will make that man happy
It's nice to have someone, but not if you lose yourself in them

And you think there's something wrong with me?
I'm the normal one
I dream big dreams, I call my own shots, I live, I love, I laugh
And I cry too.
I believe that GOD will make a way... I know his capabilities
But I also understand that things wont always happen the way we think they should.

What ticks me off about you is you thimk you're so much better than everyone else
But you're not.
You're not the smartest thing walkin
You're not the cutest
And all that could be looked over if you were at least nice.
You're not even that!

You are a slug.... A blood sucking leech
I almost let you suck all the dreams outta me
My self esteem, My talents, My will to try

I wont let you take my dreams away.
I wont let you tell me that I can't succeed.
I wont let you make me feel like pursuing my dream is pointless
Or like, big things can't happen for me.

I can be great!
I can be anyting I want to be.
I will be everything I want to be.

I wish you good things, but I wont be around to see you get them.
I'll be moving on, getting my own.

YOU'LL SEE ME

I'll Wait

Whatever it takes I'll wait for you
Til the end of time I'll wait
It doesn't matter what or who
I know for you I'll wait
It took me all my youth to find a love like yours so true
That's why without a doubt in my mind, I know I'll wait for you

Your every word, your every breath
It's like a work of art
Your face, your name, as all the same
It's all sketched in my heart
I couldn't bear or think to leave for that would make me blue
I like, I love, No one above, I'm going to wait for you

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Untitled (A Torn Thought)

I remember especially how you tried to waste me
Threw me to the ground and tried to disgrace me
Covered my mouth and tried to deface me
All I could think is you must have hated me
What would make you so angry that you had to take me
To a place I didn't know, Why did you misplace me
Then like my life was written in pencil, tried to erase me
With anger from deep inside, I began to hate thee
You made me feel things that I had never felt
From my soul I cried out and there still was no help
You made me regret all the dealings I'd dealt,
That had brought me to where we were
Like it was my fault that you took my very smile
Wiped it away and threw it for miles
Took away my child, a woman I became
Unknowing to me how to play that game
Unready I was, as you stripped me in shame
Leaving my heart tattered and untamed
My mind was racing as you looked into my eyes
Like you wanted me to see into your soul without surprise
As if to tell me that I should have known that you were all lies
And as if preparing me for my own demise
It hurt me.......... to know that this would end a part of me
It scared me to think of the part that it would start
And as I layed there suffering and screaming inside
I could feel my heart's last beat as it shattered and died...


Cont.....

O To Luv GlobalGrind

What would I do without GlobalGrind
I might just crumble and lose my mind
Like a calm rainy day or a nice red wine
O how I love my GlobalGrind
I try sometimes to reject the net
I stay off Myspace, but you best bet
If I aint Tweetin, Please know that
GlobalGrind is where I'm at

Long days at work, my mind is feinin
Legs are shakin, Heart is screamin
Watchin the clock, and almost dreamin
Can't wait to see what Da Grind is streamin
Racin home, I'm in my car
Keep my lappy with me so I aint far
From the Grind and from my Stars
Gettin ghetto wit it, "GlobalGrind is who I ARE"

They keep me on the edge of my seat
And they stay current with every beat
The news is HOTT, there's no defeat
(whispers) And they'll let you know who's between the sheets
But don't get me wrong, They're never trashy
That's why I like em, They keeps it classy
If you wanna know what's up with Da Grind, just ask me
Cause I rep em, GlobalGrind 4 Life - That's love see

I'm trynna think of when I last watched the news
Watchin the news is like singin the blues
But with GlobalGrind you can never lose
You can read about any story that you so choose
They'll keep you up on current events
They'll even keep you posted on 50Cent
You can always feel good about a good time spent
With GlobalGrind it's about where you goin, not where you went

What would I do without GlobalGrind
If I'm ever lost, I will surely find
A story that will intrigue my mind
A site built for me and in perfect design
Sittin back chillin, sippin some tea
It's been days since I watched TV
And when I think about it, somehow I'm fine
Because I got my GlobalGrind

My Mind is My Freedom

Don't be mad at me, I'm only callin it how I see it
If I allow you to hurt me again then it's my bad
I can't lay open to distruction cause in the end I'll have nothing
Cause you see me vulnerable and rather than help, you take advantage

You say I dream too much
But what you don't understand is that when I'm dreaming, you can't hurt me
I can be what I want to be and explore things and places that you'll never show me
I can be free.......Inside my own head

That's why the vast majority of my time is spent in my own mind
Dreaming
Because that's where my strength is, in my head
In my mind, a place that you can't distroy

So you tried to destroy my body and you attempted to destroy my soul
But somehow I fought you off and I shielded my mind from your hold
You couldn't take it then and you can't take it now
It's my mind, filled with my likes and my opinions and you can't have it

I remember you, looking at me like I was nothing
Telling me I could be nothing, Insisting that no one would want me
But look at me, standing tall, standing free, confident
And it's not all inside my head

My mind is my freedom
Cause if I allow myself to be defined by what you tried to make me
I'd die, I'd die in my own mind and then I'd be nothing
Just like you wanted me to be

You see, it was the pain you caused that also allowed me to be free
I'm not what you thought or wanted me to be

I still have my mind..........

Letter To My Love

It's funny how you told me you couldn't believe I loved you
It's funny how you acted like you didn't know I care
It's funny how you look the other way when I express myself
It's funny how even today, the love for you I bear
I thought that I'd gotten over it, but here I am up late thinking
About you, the life we could have had, the love we have shared
I guess, people grow apart, they change, they move on
But I just always felt like we were an unfinished book and now I'm just torn
Or should I say torn out?
Like the page to our happy ending is missing
Not neatly separated, but ripped out any kind of way...

It's funny how you said you appreciated my Birthday call to you
How it really meant so much that I thought enough to call you on your 25th
Wow, didn't you know I wouldn't forget...
Didn't you know that date is etch-a-sketched in my mind
You'd have to really shake me up to make me forget that
It's been a long time, I thought we were "soul mates" (funny)
And another funny thing is you put our break-up off on me
You say I was too into myself and other nuccas to love you
What others? Now, loving myself - I'm guilty of
But what's funny is everyone knew I loved you but you
They knew so much that they hated me for it.........

I love you, I mean I loved you
I miss you, I mean I hope you're doing well
Sometimes I go back and forth with myself like that
Trying not to say what's in my heart, but say what i think is appropriate
Never free to say what needs to be said
I've loved you too long, ten years
And love has come along, but somehow, I couldn't love back
I feel like I've been trapped in you and where are you?
In bed with someone else Im sure of it
You haven't waited for me....

You're just like the others, only call when you need something
When you're cool, I'm Schye
When you're lonely, I'm Bae
When you're broke, I'm Booh
And my favorite, one that you haven't been until now, THIRSTY
Two years ago you clowned my Oprah mentality thinkin that I wouldn't make it
And now that you see my name in lights, you call
Funny, you call now- Yeap, same number as always
See, unlike you, I don't change - I'm all me all day

And it's a shame that you present yourself this way now
Because now I know that you're fake and I must let you go
It's not me, it's you.... I mean..... Yeah I said that right
I gotta let you go cause I love you so much
We can't be friends, because I'm still in love with you
And we can't be lovers because that wouldn't be fair to me
Oh what a tangled web we weave
Darn, I love you.....